Stuff White Brits Like

The white British person is rarely tempted to stray out of the capital, but weekends or days out in the country are a seemly getaway, seeing as all white British people have a deep spiritual connection with nature. The Lake District is a popular destination, as are holidays to Scotland. All white British people either have or have contemplated getting a National Trust membership, as these sites combine spectacular natural sights, appetising rustic food and quirky gift shops. If staying overnight, white Brits will lodge at a YHA youth hostel or a local B&B, depending on whether they want the experience to be more hippy or more pastoral.

After more than a couple of days, however, problems arise. Being so used to the reassuring proximity of the BFI, ICA, Barbican, Southbank Centre and the British Library, the white Brit will get withdrawal symptoms if starved of experimental art and theatre for too long, and will start to bemoan the lack of culture. Thankfully, the white Brit can also stay at home and watch David Attenborough documentaries to get their nature fix.

In addition to indie music, all white British people also have a deep, undying love of hip hop. From old school American bands De La Soul, Public Enemy and EPMD (Erick and Parrish Making Dollars), to R Kelly’s hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet, to new home-grown artists such as Wiley, Tinchy Stryder or Oxford-educated rapper Riz MC, the white Brit can’t get enough of hip hop.

For this reason, hip hop acts regularly appear alongside typically white British folk and post-rock bands in music festivals without raising even one ironic eyebrow. Suggesting that the white Brit may not be the target audience of this music is highly offensive and must not be attempted.

Dizzee Rascal is a particular white Brit favourite due to his pioneering musical experimentation and difficult upbringing. The white British community has acknowledged his achievements by giving him endless awards and making him perform at the BBC Electric Proms. The white Brit will sometimes attempt to sing along to Fix Up Look Sharp or Stand Up Tall (in a self-aware manner, of course), and will expect to be gently mocked for this. Dizzee’s new album, however, is considered to be ‘too commercial’ by white British standards.

By far the most acceptable way to get to work for the white Brit is cycling. Vespa scooters used to be popular as well, but their mediocre green credentials make them inferior to bicycles, which are not only eco-friendly but also healthy. Given the intensity of London traffic and the lack of cycle paths, cycling also shows that the white Brit is not afraid of danger. This will give them an intrepid devil-may-care quality even if they are dressed in unflattering fluorescent yellow jackets.

Cycling aside, white Brits in London are likely to name buses as their favourite mode of transportation. The bus, they claim, allows them to take in the scenery and avoid the ‘rat race’ of the Tube. In this respect, it helps that favourite white British living quarters such as Stoke Newington and Herne Hill are far away from Tube stops. Buses also give white Brits credibility, as they are cheaper and preferred by the working classes. However, due to their unreliable timetables, extraordinary slowness and vulnerability to traffic jams, the white Brit will only go on a bus if there is no other feasible alternative, taking the Tube where possible.

On occasion, white Brits will not be in the mood to go out to their usual sophisticated nightspots. To avoid the feeling of having become old and boring, they will mentally regress to the age of nine and organise a board games evening.

This will involve one or more of the following: Scrabble, Balderdash, Cluedo, Cranium, Risk, the Really Nasty Horse Racing Game, Connect 4, Trivial Pursuit, Boggle and, of course, Monopoly. Novelty board games, such as the Murder, She Wrote board game and the Harry Potter Cluedo are considered the acme of board game fun. Usually centred around words and creativity, these games seem to be designed specifically for white Brits.  Lego and Top Trumps are an example of children’s games also favoured by adult white Brits, and these may be included in the evening’s activities.

More often than not, the board game evening will also involve alcohol to add a degree of maturity to the proceedings. It is only a small step from board games to poker nights, preferably held in a darkened room while listening to jazz. If you wish to be ironic, suggest a night of bridge and sherry-drinking.

It is a fact that all white Brits hate Facebook. If they do have a Facebook account, they will loudly claim never to use it, and constantly say they are going to quit. They may even do so for a few days or even a month; however, when they start to miss being invited to events, showing off a list of their favourite movies, or the simple pleasure of stalking people they don’t like, they will inevitably return.

A small minority of white Brits are actually not on Facebook, a feat for which other white Brits hold them in very high regard. It is a chicken or egg situation: it is difficult to decide whether these individuals are considered cool because they are not on Facebook, or whether they are not on Facebook because they are intrinsically cool.

If you wish to antagonise a white Brit, mock them about their Facebook usage. When they respond by insulting the website, dare them to quit it, which they will (falsely) promise to do. The next time you meet them, confront them about the fact that they have not yet deleted their page and watch them squirm.

When it comes to second-hand clothes and books, Oxfams are the equivalent of Waitrose. Not only are they more expensive than other charity shops, but they are also frequented by a majority of white Brits. This is especially true of the new range of ‘DIY Oxfams’, where a white Brit is likely to find used designer clothing but also give to charity. The DIY stores also sell questionable custom-made designs made from used clothes, which are then resold at three-figure prices. White Brits are very happy to pay these sums, as it’s all for charity, and therefore not vain or indulgent in the slightest.

In an Oxfam, an item that the white Brit would never have thought of buying at full price will suddenly seem more appealing even if the difference in price is minimal. The white Brit will know that (probably) another white Brit donated the item to the charity shop, and that other white Brits have weeded out the substandard hand-outs, which means that it is likely to be acceptable to others of their kind. When complimented on an item of clothing from a charity shop, the white Brit will always point out where it has been bought, as this will make them immediately cooler to others.

While ignorance is not something the white Brit often admits to, not understanding economics is a point of pride with them. Mentioning economics in a group of white Brits will result in a match of “I’m the person here who understands economics the least.” In addition to distancing them from the ‘evil bankers’ responsible for the whole ‘recession’ thing, this will show the white Brit’s lack of interest in such a vulgar thing as money.

Generally speaking, it is unlikely that the white Brit will ever have too little money or extravagant amounts of it, thereby leaving their mind free for higher things. This purported lack of economic knowledge, therefore, suggests that the white Brit’s mind is overflowing with more desirable subjects, such as history of art, literature, philosophy and architecture. In addition, it will make them look charmingly antiquated and removed from the modern world. Robert Peston who?