Stuff White Brits Like

Sharp wit is an important part of white British culture. Unfortunately, not all jokes turn out as well as the would-be comedian had planned in their head, whether due to faulty delivery or because the idea wasn’t funny in the first place. Luckily for the white Brit, there is a way to turn an unsuccessful joke into a cause for merriment. By acknowledging how unfunny your joke was, the whole exchange will magically become a comedic triumph.

Obviously, some people are better at pointing out how bad their jokes are than others. Revered stand-up comedians such as Daniel Kitson and Stewart Lee are known to elaborate at length on the fact that their sketches are falling flat, thereby coming round full circle and making them funny. The longer they step out of character to better draw attention to their comic failings, the more hilarious they become. It does help that most of their jokes do actually work the first time round, but this is beyond the point.

But never mind meta humour, anything meta will do for the white Brit. Meta-literature is a particular favourite (see Don Quixote and anything written after 1850), as are meta-films and meta-theatre. Meta-conversations work too. For example, seeing as small talk about the weather is an unavoidable part of British life, you can turn this to your advantage by self-referentially discussing conversations about the weather (“I hate to talk about the weather, but it really is miserable outside”). Meta-songs are also popular: a recent example of this is when the Arcade Fire sing ‘Now we’re screaming sing the chorus again’, and then sing the chorus, again.

The pursuit of good sportsmanship is a well-entrenched British custom and probably originates from a long history of military defeats. Although winning is the ultimate goal of any competitive sport, white Brits prefer to pretend that the activity will be enjoyed for its own sake.

Examples of bad sportsmanship include yelling “It was on the line” or “Are you blind ref?” Not shaking hands after a tennis or badminton match and refusing to join the victor in a post-match glass of gin and tonic are also considered extremely unsportsmanlike.

Players who exhibit poor sportsmanship when they have lost a game are termed a ‘sore loser’. If you are the victor in a game it is seen as very bad form to gloat or boast and such behaviour may see you branded as a ‘bad winner’. The act of cheating and any form of foul play are seen as the very pinnacle of unsportsmanlike behaviour and will result in the player being shunned by his team-mates and opponents. Many white Brits would prefer to lose a game rather than engage in unsportsmanlike behaviour and most consider having displayed a show of good sportsmanship to be the same thing as actually winning outright. Premiership footballers are the only professional British athletes with a record of unsportsmanlike behaviour.

by AR

White British people are averse to sport,* with almost the sole exception of tennis. It is not a coincidence that Woody Allen’s collection of British stereotypes, Match Point, is centred around a tennis instructor. The Wimbledon final is watched, on average, by 100% of white Brits, eating strawberries and cream and coolly sipping Pimm’s. Much of the interest at Wimbledon in recent years has been focused on Roger Federer, who is a God to the white Brit.

Not only is R-Fed always impeccably dressed in retro cardigans, but his graceful style of play is pleasing to the white Brit, as it will allow them to be inventive in their hyperbolic praise for him. Many days will be pleasantly spent comparing Federer to an artist, a magician, a cat, a ballerina or an angel. Andy Murray has less white Brit appeal, as his eloquence leaves much to be desired. The closest a white Brit will come to a sports chant is “Andy Murray: good with a bat, but he’s got no chat.”

* By some freak of nature, this does not apply to football, which no amount of reading Sartre can cure white British men of. However, the range of teams you can support is limited, as Arsenal are the white Brit’s team of choice. Chelsea are particularly objectionable, as are Tottenham Hotspurs.

Calling a white Brit by their first name is a thing of the past, especially since the high number of Jameses, Toms and Sarahs is bound to result in confusion. The use of surnames or surname-based nicknames is a popular alternative, but even better is referring to friends by their initials. This will cause momentary bafflement and give the white British speaker a humorous ghetto twang. This practice is also used in conjunction with politicians: DC (David Cameron), GB (Gordon Brown), TB (Tony Blair) and the rather more unfortunate Boris Johnson (pictured). Furthermore, the use of initials will usefully make a conversation about writers instantly appear less pretentious.

The popular First-letter-of-first-name-and-First-syllable-of-surname formula also works a treat, as white Brits cherish opportunities to make fun of J-Lo. Celebrities loved by white Brits such as R-Patz and R-Fed are called this out of affection.

Set yourself the challenge of never using a white Brit’s proper name: see how many variations you can get through before you pick one as a permanent name for them. Extra points for nicknames that incorporate puns or innuendo.

Influenced by Dadaism and the avant-garde, surreal humour never fails to capture white Brits’ imaginations. Starting with Alice in Wonderland, passing through Monty Python’s Flying Circus and The Young Ones, to Shooting Stars, the Mighty Boosh (not Series Three) and Flight of the Conchords, surreal humour is ubiquitous in white British culture. Chris Morris, too, is admired for his ‘darkly surreal’ humour.

American counterparts such as Fargo, Elf, Napoleon Dynamite, John Waters films and Wes Anderson films are also beloved of white Brits. On the internet, Salad Fingers and the Perry Bible Fellowship caused consternation and amusement in many, and in terms of music, artists such as Captain Beefheart, Frank Zappa, the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band and Ivor Cutler also get surreal brownie points.

A bit of psychoanalysis mixed with dreamlike imagery and a lot of confusion goes a long way in winning over white Brits: add in a splash of humour and they’re sold. If you wish to be found amusing by your white British friends, tell jokes that no one understands (‘two birds are flying, especially the second one’). This will make them think you are a surreal comedy genius.

When not quaffing wine and cocktails at various ‘hidden gems’ in London, white Brits are likely to be found in a pub. On generic pub occasions lager and Guinness are the drinks of choice, and Budvar and Leffe are fashionable options. However, if the white Brit is in a more contemplative mood and searching for something more refined on the palate, they will look for ‘real ale’. Like with wine and whisky, the white Brit will go on at length about the relative merits or demerits of the ale they imbibe. However, note that ales such as London Pride are for tourists.

Invariably, the stages of white Brit drunken conversations are: 1) generic pleasantries and awkward silences, 2) discussions of films and books recently encountered, 3) your dreams and ambitions, 4) post-structuralism, 5) gossip, 6) personal and relationship issues. The variation on this is minimal, but white Brits never tire of the formula.

To ennoble the activity, white Brits refer to drunkenness with an inventive variety of names: legless, slaughtered, drunk as a skunk, trollied, rat-arsed, juiced up, bladdered, sloshed, blotto, squiffy. Impress your friends by coining new words to describe a state of acute intoxication – pyjamad, deckchaired, cabbaged, Newcastled.

The white British person is rarely tempted to stray out of the capital, but weekends or days out in the country are a seemly getaway, seeing as all white British people have a deep spiritual connection with nature. The Lake District is a popular destination, as are holidays to Scotland. All white British people either have or have contemplated getting a National Trust membership, as these sites combine spectacular natural sights, appetising rustic food and quirky gift shops. If staying overnight, white Brits will lodge at a YHA youth hostel or a local B&B, depending on whether they want the experience to be more hippy or more pastoral.

After more than a couple of days, however, problems arise. Being so used to the reassuring proximity of the BFI, ICA, Barbican, Southbank Centre and the British Library, the white Brit will get withdrawal symptoms if starved of experimental art and theatre for too long, and will start to bemoan the lack of culture. Thankfully, the white Brit can also stay at home and watch David Attenborough documentaries to get their nature fix.